Let’s start with this,
Two nights ago I had a mental and emotional breakdown. One that I hadn’t had since BC (before Christ). It was bad. It was for sure not okay. But during the breakdown I chose to go downstairs and sit there by myself. Just choose to enjoy being alone and just being. Choosing to accept what made me uncomfortable. Now this may not sound healthy but I know it was. The next day I was still very sad. Then John laid next to me and fell asleep hugging me and everything just lifted off. It was a God thing. All this from beginning to end came out of nowhere.
And I actually just read a testimony post by my friend saying how God showed her the conditions of her heart and how it makes us feel frustrated with ourselves when we see our hearts sometimes. That sparkled my heart to type. I hadn’t done this in so long that I had to actually go to my facebook, look through my post and find what this website if even called. Then I even had to reset my password.
Talk about starting new!
A couple days ago I was hanging, out talking about getting a job and something was said, “What makes your little heart come alive?”
Since, I canceled the job applications I sent and send some to places that would cause my heart to come alive. Things that excite me.
I feel like many times we forget to see and choose things that cause us to become alive. Like, let’s go for things that seem better, look better, make me feel better about myself, etc.
Moving across California to somewhere with hot weather, no ocean, small town, no places I enjoying going to and with no friends shatters all things for me. All comforts and things that lighten me up.
I’ve had to make it point to choose things that’ll cause my heart to come alive. From what I eat, what my room looks like, what I wear, what I listen to, what I do and how I do them.
This has caused me to even go back and look at what is me at heart and makes me, ME
ME is what makes ME. From the small details to big ones.
I’ve even chose to do things I wouldn’t do normally but always wanted to. I’ve chosen to be brave and jump out of my comfort with joy
It’s so funny to see how the smallest things mean so much to our hearts.
Today I bought myself shoes that I don’t need but I thought looked so cool and the funny thing is that most people wouldn’t wear them because they are funky looking but it’s ME and I wouldn’t get those in LA but now I will! I’m choose to run freely in all things.
Even by getting them I was shown something. Before I knew Jesus, I would buy myself things I never needed. Even while packing to move here I was looking through very expensive clothes I had bought myself to feel good about myself and they were still in bags, untouched, unworn and forgotten. I got them to feel good about myself and feel different and “myself”. Maybe it was myself but it wasn’t out of a good place.
Now today, I bought myself something I didn’t need (which I hadn’t done since getting delivered from that need and issue) but out of a healthy/good place. This really allowed me to see how everything we do comes from somewhere, being either good or not. Now don’t over spiritualize things but it’s true. (extra nugget)
After getting the shoes, we went looking around for house decor and while looking around, exotic items or just items made in other countries made my heart come alive. It reminded me of how even in LA, in my room I had a shelf with items from different nations and it always lit me up.
It makes me so happy to notice what causes my heart to come alive.
Even to realize that before it didn’t and now it does. It’s me and not anything else. My heart is free to be.
I also went swimming a couple days ago. I almost never went swimming before for many reasons but since I came out of the womb I’ve always been obsessed with water!
It’s crazy because this blog seems so meaningless but as I’m typing this tears are whelming my eyes. I realize that I’ve grown so much! I’ve got healed in so many areas. Areas that were false versions of myself. False comforts. I’m crying as I realize that all things I loved as a child, before things were distorted and I was 100% me are now here again!
Swimming, art, exotic things, strange clothes, little things, games, etc.
We have to realize that these things mean a lot to God. I feel his Father heart so much as I’m searching my heart and realizing these things. He created the very details of our hearts. The very details that causes our heart to shine and light up. The things that give us random excitement like when I think of water!
Now I challenge you to search your heart for things that have been distorted. For things that are done outside of who you truly are and things that truly light up your heart not false comforts and even false images. Even look back at your young self and remember who God always made you to do and who you were even then.
I honestly make a point to always look back at my young self and thing of what I loved and what moved my heart. Back when my heart was without junk, clutter or mess. What moved my heart. It’s wild to see how much connects. Even with my calling and ministry.
Inside or out. On a spiritual level or not. It all matter. It all matters to God. He made it all